I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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