What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize