You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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