dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
