Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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