I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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