____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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