I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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