Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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