I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Every concussion has its silver lining
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
