So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess