they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
