it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
people are starting to question the shark bite story
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
