I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
