But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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