After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
