I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Pants are for mortals
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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