My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
