I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
