Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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