Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
