Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
being pregnant is like rehab
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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