Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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