Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You can't just leave with hair like that
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
