My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize