i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
you never un-have a 4some
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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