No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
