She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i want to swaddle you in tequila
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Found your dick twin last night
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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