I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
