sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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