I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
