1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
