ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
