He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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