I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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