i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
