I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
