it hurts more in the daytime
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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