just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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