We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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