Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
