Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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