he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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