The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
