she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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