there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
