So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
