My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
