Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
