I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
