Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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