kristin has been a bad kristin
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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