Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
