my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just gargled with NyQuil
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
