This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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